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Writer's Block: I'm not a bully but...

We've all said something mean at some point in our lives. We may not be bullies but we may not always be nice. Write an apology to someone you've hurt in past.
Dear Roommate,

I'm really sorry, Roommate. I don't even know if I've hurt you, exactly, and I know I've just apologized to your face, but I am sorry. Also, I'm not entirely sure this will be a full out sorry, because there will be some justification, as well as some ranting against the world, but I want you to know, even if you never read this, I am sorry for any hurt I may have caused.

It's not your opinion that I have problems with, as I said, and a lot of it wasn't even you. It's not that you agree with the Tar Sands pipeline and you just want to go to D.C. to see D.C. (and no, RA, it's not that my Roommate can't afford it- if they wanted it bad enough, they would ask their grandparents-more on that later-) It's that everything is adding up and I miss my family so incredibly much and I'm really really jealous that you get to go see your family, and I'm also incredibly jealous of your grandparents who will send you money unasked for anything you need when my family can barely spare enough to pay for their own cable and there is no way they can fly me back home for a short four day break and also the fact that you know your grandparents and more than just your immediate family. It's also that I worked three times today and you said you'd work but you didn't (and you usually do that, don't you). And just in general you're starting to frustrate me the more with you and also I feel in general like everyone likes you so much better than they do me and that I'm always second best and I know that sounds selfish, but I just want someone who likes me best and I guess that means I want a significant other but I don't know and I miss being around people who like having me around and don't just tolerate me and who I know that with.

And let's be honest here; some of it is you: you always deal with situations like they're the fault of other people that you have to deal with, even though they're of your own making. And you wouldn't give me five freaking minutes to gather myself together when I had the presence of mind to ask for them in a stressful situation, which then caused me to walk half way around campus, crying to myself, until I could muster up the courage to come back and grab my phone, crying all the while, and have one person notice, ask if I was okay, and then walk away when I sobbed in response.

And really, Roommate, that's the heart of the matter: you wouldn't give me five minutes in our room to deal with myself, and you made me collapse into at least four crying fits and three almost-hyperventilations, all at a time when I am sick.

And here comes the justification- why is it that I'm not allowed to have emotions, but the rest of the world is? Girl-Who-Lives-In-11A can be depressed about her boyfriend going back to the Dutch; Girl-In-17A can be frustrated and angry at both friends back home and homework; and Roommate can be annoyed at smokers and people and anything and everything; but I'm not allowed to get overwhelmed and freak out a bit? (And I'm sorry, RA, but I'm not the only one in the wrong here- yeah, it's Roommate's room, but it's my room too, and this is the one and only time I've ever asked for them to do anything besides maybe turn out at light (and they've asked the same of me, and I've done it even when it's been inconvenient to me) and you can't even give me five minutes? And obviously, RA, you are not that interested in my story, but thank you very much for the hug- it's the first one I've gotten in almost a month, and it's also the only physical human contact I've had in as long that hasn't been accidental- and I really miss having people I could ask for hugs from with the only explanation being 'I'm having a bad day'). This is the first outburst of emotion I've had since getting here that's actually made me even almost lash out at someone, and it seems to me that it's getting viewed as entirely unacceptable, and/or that I'm the only one who's bothered by it, because no one else cares enough about me to be upset by it.

So I'm sorry if I spoke sharply and upset you, I just wish you would realize that some things aren't okay with me, and that I need time to figure things out.

Honestly, this started out as a sincere apology and then degenerated into a justification/rant. But, all excuses and complaints aside, if I hurt you in anyway, and my actual, stuttering-and-trying-not-to-hyperventilate-apology didn't make you feel any better, here's another one that you'll never see:

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
Jack

P.S. this is long and rambling and makes mostly no sense, but it's to make me feel better, so please, no judgements- I've had enough of those today.
So, apparently "everyone in the dorm" is "pretty much aware that I'm socially unaware/awkward/bad at social situations".

It makes me want to cry.

I love the people in my dorm. They're amazing and awesome and pretty much all of them are great people.

And apparently I've been doing something wrong socially. And I have no idea what.

It really really makes me want to cry.

:(

So since I've arrived at college I have:

been bitten by a snake
had a snake try to eat/swallow my finger

and now I've been bitten by a dog.

:(

:(

So things are going pretty good here in college (you know, besides the incredible work load, and the money issue, and the missing EVERYBODY, and the being sure most people around here think I'm a freak and only put up with me because they like my roommate, but, whatever), and I don't like to complain (no, wait, I love to complain, especially on livejournal), but yeah, I've got some issues, even with the people I like. And I'm going to tell you about them, and how they make me feel, and yeah, some of you might get insulted- if so, I'm sorry, it's not my intention.

But I digress.

Anyway, I've got these new friends. And their great. I love them (as much as I can with having only known them for about a month). But they've got some ideas that really bother me.

Like, they don't like to say their fans of certain anime or manga because they think that the fanbase is ruining the fandom. I've always found this to be kind of an insulting idea. The fact that you would let how other people choose to express their enjoyment of something effect how much you enjoy it? To me, that means that you think there is a 'right' way that something should be enjoyed, and obviously these people who aren't liking it the right way are idiot losers. And also, they'll say that the fanbase ruined their enjoyment of a show- but then they will not shut up about the freaking show. And they won't stop talking about how they used to like it, but it's ruined now. Get over it.

Also, they kind of majorly hate on yaoi fans (which I guess I am, though I prefer to call myself a slash fan because 1. I feel stupid when I say foreign words aloud, and 2. I also like man on man pairings in things that aren't Japanese). They go on - at length - about how creepy such people are, and how these fans obviously believe that every man they see should be paired up with another, and that they're creepy stalkers and blah blah blah. I am not one of those fans. And I have never in my life, not even online, met one. There are waaaaaay less of those kinds of people, and even less of whom aren't trolls, than they're making there out to be.

But these friends of mine just don't get that. I sorta talked to one of them about it, and she assured me that no, I'm not one of those 'creepy intense fans' that they're scared of. And that was 'yay!' and all, but she made it out to be like I was the one slash/yaoi/whatever fan in a million who wasn't creepy. Like, by default, I was, but my actions redeemed me.

And what gets me the most is that these new friends of mine? They're cosplayers. Really, really, really big, intense, cosplayers. And I have heard a lot of bad things about the creepiness of cosplayers. I've heard worse about them than I ever have about yaoi fans. But somehow that's 'different'. And no, I'm not going to judge my friends because of their liking of cosplay, just like they haven't judged me. But I'm also not going to treat it like it's some major accomplishment that they've managed to be both cosplayers and not creepy. :(

Also, I just always feel so uncertain here. It doesn't help that one of our dorm mates came into our dorm room and sat (on my bed, no less!) with us for a while and talked with both my roommate and one of our friends about a topic in which I had very little knowledge or interest. And I was completely ignored by all three of them. In fact, at several points when I tried to speak, I was repeatedly cut off until I just stopped trying or the conversation moved on. It made me feel pretty worthless.

Another thing that doesn't help is that for the first time since coming to college I've gotten into one of my moods. The ones where I generally just feel sad for no reason (except maybe there is a reason- I accidentally broke the glass for the picture of my family that my family made me, that I still haven't managed to hang up, and no one seemed to care. at all) and I can't get it to stop.

:(

I really need to write about some happier stuff on here. But ranting about the stuff that makes me feel bad kind of helps, I guess. Maybe next time I'll have some happier things to talk about.

wtf

Sooooo... Aparently the kids in my class have been talking about me behind my back? And I get to find this out from a... not a friend, exactly, because I'm not sure she likes me all that much, but she's in my class and lives in my dorm, so I guess she's more of a sister? Whatever, it still fucking hurts.


See, I'm in Florida now. The sun is fucking bright. I need sunglasses whenever I go outside, and sometimes I forget to take them off when I'm inside. In addition, my eyes are pretty sensitive, and when lights are too bright I can get really bad headaches. So occassionaly I've been wearing my sunglasses in class.


And apparently that makes it okay for people, having known me for all of about two weeks, who have probably never spoken to me (I don't know exactly who was doing this gosipmongering, but I have some people who I hope it wasn't) outside of class, to make judgements about me, and decide that I'm disrespectful and a bad person because I wear my sunglasses in the classroom.


And let me make this clear- the Professor has not said one word to me about this, or even given me a funny look.



Why am I always finding people who judge me?
I moved into my dorm yesterday, and my family hasn't even left yet and I still can't stop crying.

It's just on and off and nothing at all will set me off and I don't know what to do about it or how to deal with it or if it will get better even though it feels horrible now.

And it's weird because I've posted before about how I couldn't wait to get away from home, but I think I didn't know how much I'd miss my family and stability and people who care about me or who will ask about my day without prompting and care about the answer and who will come and find me and comfort me when I seclude myself away to cry and who will just be there when I do things and who know me.

And I don't really know how to make friends that well and so far there's no one here who cares about me.

And I know that's selfish but that's how I feel and I want it too stop hurting so much.

I want to go home.

I feel conflicted

So in a few days I'm leaving with my family for a trip down to the stat where my college is. We're going on a road trip for it, and we're suposed to leave this Saturday. I've got mostly everything packed, and am pretty much ready to go. I can't wait to leave and get on the road.

But a lot of my family (mostly my dad and my sister) aren't all ready yet. My mom is packing at the moment, and that should get her about ready. But my dad has several things he needs to do besides packing, and it's always a struggle to get him working. Usually my mom and him end up fighting about such things, and that always upsets me, so I'm trying to talk to him and ask him to do the things he needs to do, but doing that makes me really sad.

(On another, related, note, my mom often says bad things about my dad to him and me and my sister and it always always upsets me. My dad never says anything bad against my mom (in my or my sister's hearing, at least) and just takes her constant abuse. I don't know how to make him feel better, because I can tell it upsets him, and I don't know how to calm my mom down when she gets like that. Mostly, I just want to leave so it can stop affecting my life.)

My sister, also, is hesitant to pack, or do the work that needs to be done.

These things upset me, mostly because it makes me afraid that we aren't going to be able to leave on the 30th, which I don't know how I'd deal with, because I'm really looking forward to finally leaving. I've been waiting for the time to come for what feels like forever, and I'll be really upset if it doesn't happen then.

Anyway, that's about it, for now. Mostly I just felt like getting it out there in the hopes that it will make me feel better.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, and here's hoping that LJ works long enough to let me post it.

*~*

Arrrrrgh! Livejournal won't work right for me! This is my second time trying to post this, and I even had to switch to private browsing to get that far! It's frustrating, because I tried it on my sister's computer, and it seemed to work fine.

On a more cheery note, I finished my Summer Writing Essay! I'm not sure how good it is, but I did my best and it's over now, so I'm happy. :D

Also, it's my sister's birthday today! She's turning 21!!!

P.S. Rawr, you guys, just, rawr to you all. :D

Wow

I can't believe that I'm heading off to start my journey to college in about four days. (The first day is actually the 12th of August, but we wanted to hang out around the area, first)

Everything seems like it's moving so fast.
So. Recently there's this new show on TV. It's called 'Suits' and it's on the USA channel. It's also kind of amazing.


(my favorite is the guy on the far right- isn't he adorable? :3)

It's about these Lawyers. Well. Sort of. It's actually about the epic romance between the two guys on the right. Only not. but really it is, I mean, seriously, everyone can tell they're in love

But no, really what's going on is it follows the two guys on the right, who are part of a law firm. The guy with the serious eyes and the slicked back hair and the vest is Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht), and he recently made senior partner in the firm (Pearson Harden, which is run by the extremely competent looking black woman on the left, Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres) who kind of makes me weak in the knees because she's amazingly awesome). He has to hire an associate, and he ends up hiring the adorable guy with the puppy eyes and blond hair, Mike Ross (Patrick J. Abrams). Only thing is- Mike's a pot head who never really finished college, and thus has no degree whatsoever and actually he didn't really intend to interview for the position, see, he just needed a place to hide from the police so that they wouldn't arrest him for carrying a briefcase with a fuckton of weed (long story- go watch the show). But see, he's a genius, and he's actually passed the bar before (he sells tests), and he remembers everything he reads (which are some of my favorite traits for a character to have), and Harvey thinks he's totally adorable. And so yeah. He gets hired because Harvey can't stand the thought of working with a Harvard clone, and Mike really needs the money and to clean up and get his life together, and the series is adorable and the characters are amazing. (Though the squirrely looking guy in the brown tie, Louis Litt (Rick Hoffman), reaaaaally creeps me out, but Rachel Zane (Meghan Markle) is amazing enough to make up for it.)



(here's a trailer, guys - and and AND Mike bikes to work how can you not think he's adorable!!! <3)


But the best part is (and I didn't discover this part until, like, yesterday, and it makes me so happy) is that there's actually a pretty big fandom for the series (and I totally didn't know it until I made some desperate Google searches). There are several different livejournal communities, like usa_suits , which has everything from fics to discussions to icons, as well as suits_fic , which has gen fic and slash fic and het fic and everything in between, and suits_slash , which is obviously the place for all the awesome slash in the series (Harvey/Mike is amazing and it's popular and oh yeah I love my life). And then there's my favorite, suitsmeme , which is where the delicious, delicious kink meme goes.



(here's episode one, in case you want it :D )